


peter parker: kid gorgeous on titan

by buckyjerkbarnes



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: (again... in the most ABSURD way possible), And I'm not sorry about it, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Crack Fic, Fix-It, Gen, Humor, Street smarts, but damn it, i'm going to keep the ball rolling, idk where the john mulaney/iw crossover started, new drinking game: take a shot each time you spot one, so many john mulaney references, sort of spoilers for the scene on titan, this is the most absurd thing i've ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 11:23:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14617370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckyjerkbarnes/pseuds/buckyjerkbarnes
Summary: Peter raised his hand, cheeks flushing when he heard Mr. Stark sigh audibly. "Yes, kid?""I, um. I think I have an idea.""It involve another pop culture reference?"He flushed further. "Does a stand-up comedian count?"[Or: how Infinity War might have turned out a lot differently if the JJ Bittenbinder method had been utilized.]





	peter parker: kid gorgeous on titan

**Author's Note:**

> I have literally watched the Kid Gorgeous special four times. Probably gonna watch it again right after I post this. Enjoy!

 

Peter knows his day is rapidly turning to shit when a spaceship appears in the sky over New York and he has to pitch himself out the emergency exit of his bus. 

Mr. Stark, in the briefest of pauses between trying save the wizard from two aliens—  _actual! aliens!—_  asks, casual, like they're getting brunch: "How's your day going, kid?" 

And Peter wants to say  _whatever, yanno? This might as well happen. My life is already so weird_  but doesn't think Mr. Stark would get the reference (Ned and Michelle would, of course, but they aren't here because they're safe, far away from the fight) so Peter says: "I've had worse!" 

Mr. Stark shot the grey faced alien directly in the face with his arc reactor. "That's the spirit, Pete!" 

 

* * *

 

It was somewhere between nearly being sucked out into space and crashing on a planet far from home that Peter realized:  _I have had a very long day. I am very small._ He patted down his back pocket, realized his wallet was missing and groaned, thinking about the hassle of having to get yet another new school ID.  _And I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress I am under._

_  
_

* * *

The priority was disarming Thanos and getting the Infinity Stones before anymore damage could be done. It was mildly headache inducing, listening to Starking— Starkid? Starman? No, no, wait, Starlord! Jeez this was like the first day of school, trying to learn everyone's names and not look like an idiot— Strange, and Mr. Stark try to craft a plan. Each threw out their own ideas, everyone getting assigned their roles to play. Grasshopper lady— that wasn't her name, he knew that and felt like it was too late to ask for clarification— stood about foot from him, her hands folding and unfolding together about as nervously as Peter felt. 

Still. He'd just been made an Avenger, like, twenty minutes ago and he felt like he needed to throw in his two cents. 

Peter raised his hand, cheeks flushing when he heard Mr. Stark sigh audibly. "Yes, kid?"

"I, um. I think I have an idea."

"It involve another pop culture reference?"

He flushed further. "Does a stand-up comedian count?"

Strange flicked his eyes to Mr. Stark. He gave a small shrug, a  _what's the worst that could happen?_  "The  _Alien_ thing worked pretty well. Even if I almost died." 

" _That,_ " Starlord said, jabbing finger Strange's way. "Is not nearly as comforting as you probably wanted it to be." 

"Hey! Remember my idea with the walkie thingies at the airport fight?  _The Empire Strikes Back_ worked just fine, then!"

"Stakes are just a bit higher, now, kid," Mr. Stark said.   

Starlord, however, paused, the same sort of light he'd gotten in his face when  _Footloose_ was mentioned flicking back on again. He folded his arms, shared a look with the two members of his team. "Alright, now I'm interested." 

"Okay," Peter swallowed, straightening his back. He nodded once, twice, trying to steady himself. Hopefully all that Netflix bingeing would pay off. "Here's, uh. Here's what we do..."

 

* * *

 

Strange was up first. He spoke in collected tones, eyes never leaving Thanos as he approached. 

And then the  _get ready, nearly set, almost go_ phrase was spoken: "This is what you came for, yes?" He made a motion with his hands, the iris of his necklace winking open to reveal a shimmering green gem. 

Thanos smiled, a slow, ugly thing. "An intelligent man. Perhaps, in my halving of the universe, you will be one of the spared." 

Strange smiled back and it was somehow more fierce, more brutal, than his opponent. He shed the necklace, cradled it in his hands. "You want the Time Stone?" 

An indulgent noise on Thanos' part. "You know the answer to that." 

"Then go get it!" Strange chucked it as hard as he could toward a pile of rubble, launching to his feet and moving in the complete other direction. Before it could hit the ground, Starlord burst out of his hiding spot, snatching it up and throwing Thanos the middle finger as he blew right by him, narrowly avoiding the massive hand that tried to seize his ankle. A sudden burst of music came from the Iron Man suit, startling even Peter, who had chosen the particular track:

"WHAT'S NEW PUSSY CAT, WHOAAA—"

Give seven plays of that over and over and Thanos would probably surrender on his own terms. Peter didn't think it would come to such desperate measures, but they at least had it in the wings as an option.

The shirtless bald guy was having the time of his life, knives flying as he sliced at the bends of Thanos's knees, Mr. Stark and Starlord directing as much firepower at Thanos as they could, coming from multiple angles. 

Peter webbed his way across the desolate landscape, dropping down, having popped a seltzer tablet produced by the shirtless gray guy into his mouth and chewed quickly, getting in Thanos' face with a foaming at the mouth appearance going strong. The purple giant recoiled, not quite stumbling, but it was enough to throw him off his rhythm of punching and throwing things. "Tip number 1!" Peter shot off three rapid-fire rounds of webbing right to the Titan's face. "STREET SMARTS!" 

The bug lady slipped through a portal produced by Strange and landed so she was straddling Thanos's shoulders, her hands spanning as much as his head as she could manage.  

"Doc!" Mr. Stark yelled, a clear strain in his voice as he tried to keep the purple guy steady. He nodded at the massive golden glove. "I know you took an oath to do no harm, but if you could just—!" 

And Strange made another motion with his hands, opening one last portal around the gauntlet. A sharp jerk from Strange had Thanos letting out an agonizing roar as his arm fell away at the forearm, the gauntlet and its stones thunking dully to the ground. From nowhere, this blue lady snatched it up, shaking out the detached appendage and thrusting her own in place. It was quick to shrink to fit her far smaller hand.

"I've had enough of this," she snarled, black eyes doing wonders to scare the shit out of Peter if he was being brutally honest and he was only slightly thankful that her vitriol wasn't being aimed his way. She barely had to clench her fist before a burst of purple energy flew forward, the tendrils of it violent and ripping as they pierced through the purple giant. In seconds, Thanos was exploding into ash, fading and ceasing to be. It kind of reminded Peter of that scene in  _Deathly Hallows part 2_ when Voldemort just gets shredded into nothing when the killing curse hits him, even if it bore exactly zero resemblance to his death in the books: Peter could not deny it was really, really satisfying to see. 

He hadn't gotten to get lunch. Aunt May was probably worried, was probably waiting at their apartment so they could get Chinese food for dinner. Where was his backpack? Oh, god, the non-superhero related problems were starting to break through the edges already... 

When Peter's hearing tuned back in, Starlord was spluttering, brows raised incredulously. "Wha—?  _Nebula_? Why'd you do that? We don't know where Gamora is!" 

"Yes, I do," Nebula snapped, giving the golden glove a pointed shake. "Thanos took Gamora and returned with the Soul Stone. To be the Soul Stone's keeper, you quite literally have to give a soul for a soul. She's here. In the Stone." 

Starlord stared. "Can we get her out?" 

Nebula rolled her eyes. Peter took a step back, swiping the remnants of the white tablet from around his mouth. He wasn't sure if the Iron Spider getup was capable of being dry cleaned, but that didn't stop him. "We have the power of the stones on our side. Of course we can."

There was a beat of calm, where their victory draped over them, where they all allowed themselves to breathe without fear some threat would run a knife through their heart before they could exhale. As most things do, the silence did not last.

"So? Who is this John Mulaney?" Drax wondered, each word booming on the ear. He had both his knives in hand, crossing his arms over his chest. "He must be a grand leader, so clever with his tactics of assault." 

Peter didn't want to say that Mulaney was a thirty-five year old white guy who'd once drank perfume and did cocaine the night before he graduated college, that he was probably a hundred-ten pounds soaking wet with a hip problem and a grumpy French bulldog he and his wife pushed around in a stroller in New York. They'd just secured an epic win. No need to lessen the image of the guy who helped them do it. "He's, uh. It's a lot," Peter decided was the best way. "He talked about this program he had to go to when he was a kid taught by a detective from Chicago. Dude's name was JJ Bittenbinder. He's got a whole series of lectures on VHS. You can buy them on Amazon and everything." 

"Program? I thought they just showed you all those Rappin' with Cap videos for everything," Mr. Stark said, steadier than Peter had seen him before. Like, not even in old clips prior to the Chitauri invasion did he look so free of tension in his features, not even with Miss Potts held close to his side. It was settling, served to put Peter at ease, too. 

"Yeah, well. They do those, too, but—"

"Wait, wait, wait," Starlord interrupted. "Cap? As in  _Captain America_? They pay an actor to dress up like him or something? Was it David Hasselhoff? Please tell me it was Hasselhoff."

Conspiratorially, the antenna lady said: "He loves his Hasselhoff."  

"No," Peter said. "It's actual Cap. He got defrosted in twenty-eleven—"

"Defrosted? Like a _bag of_   _green beans_ defrosted?" 

Strange snorted, reaching up and brushing the stray strands of hair that fluttered onto his forehead away. "You really haven't been back to earth in a long time, have you? It looks like you have a lot to learn."  

"Can we do the whole history lesson thing later?" Peter asked, catching Mr. Stark's eyes with his. Another super lame, but still greatly important not-Avenger problem swam up from the back of his mind and practically smacked him in the forehead, shoulda had a V8 style. More quietly, he admitted: "I have a project I need to finish and, uh, it's kind of due tomorrow morning?" 

Mr. Stark let out a surprised laugh, like this was the absolute last thing he expected for Peter to say. "Yeah. Yeah, Pete, sure. It's not like we can take an Uber out of here. Strange? Do your thing? Open sesame and all that..." 

**Author's Note:**

> If this is the first work of mine you've ever read, I promise you: I DO SERIOUS THINGS THAT AREN'T SHORT AND PROBABLY GARBAGE. I just have no impulse-control otherwise when it comes to the combination of John Mulaney and Marvel. I wrote this in an hour when I should have been working on my original work, but life doesn't always work out the way you want it to.


End file.
